Paths Not Taken

Remember when life was simple? When your children actually worshiped the ground you walked on? That look of longing in their eyes when they saw you walk into a room?

Remember that?

You were the end all to be all. The God of all Gods. YOU WERE THE SHIT!!!!

You were:

SUPER MOM DAMMIT!!!!

You had your shit on lock down. Nobody couldn’t tell you NOTHING!

Fast forward 12 years later and…………this happens:

Pre pubescent teenage angst starts to rear it’s ugly head! You get the rolling of the eyes; the seclusion; slamming of doors; stomping; and talking back.

Well my fellow sisters of Kingdom Mommydum…..I’m there. Princess Morgan has been jacked up a total of three times this month. I don’t know where it’s coming from or who, but this chick is testing me and testing me hard.

A couple of weeks ago after coming home from a long day, the girls got themselves situated and started on their homework. I decided that I would start on some laundry. I went to Morgan’s room (door locked *blank strare*)

Me: Morgan, open the door. I need your clothes from your hamper.

Morgan: I’m getting dressed.

*blank stare*

Me: I’ll give you ten minutes.

Morgan: Ok

Fastforward ten minutes later

Me: Morgan. Open the door!

Morgan: I’m dressin!!! (had the audacity to have a “tone”)

Neck cocked to the side with a *blank stare*

Now, I’m debating on whether I should knock the goddamn door down and swoop on her ass like a hawk or just sit there and be calm.

I chose to be calm, I am NOT cute in orange and I DON’T want to end up being Franquisha’s bitch for 5 to 10 years!

The door opens and I calmly walked in and got what I needed. I forgot something and turned around to check her closet for any missed clothing.

Morgan: What you doin in my closet?

Ok, now, I promised with the strength of Jesus and everything that was in me……..It was ON! I jacked her ass up against the wall and conveniently reminded her (in my Julia Sugarbaker tone) that:

1) She’s only a TEMPORARY resident in my house.

2)Her little ass don’t pay nor does she contribute to my mortgage payment. Hence, exercising her “tenants” rights to lock her door whenever she wants has been terminated.

3)No punishment. Talking back calls for a trip to the woodshed…….Southern style!

Later that night we had “the talk” again. I gave her the reasons why I had to handle her the way I did and that I was not going to tolerate being talked back to or disrespected in my house. I think she got the point. If she didn’t there will be more jacksups to come!

I’m not built for this shit! Just think, I have 2 more girls!! DAYUM!

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I am currently in a state of shock in it’s purest form. What I saw tonight nearly sent me into a coma. The youngest members of the Glam Squad was taking their nightly bath together just having a ball. Well, it got to be a little too much because I was concentrating on work I brought home from the office. As I’m walking down the hall with the sole purpose of “regulating” I entered the bathroom, pulled the shower curtain back and nearly caught a damn conniption. The middle member of the Glam Squad is beginning to mature in all the wrong goddamn places!!! What the hell! This child is only eight years old. Hell, I didn’t have that much at seventeen. (shut up Tracy).

You would think that after having seen the oldest member of the Glam Squad blossom into full on puberty, age twelve with the body of a sixteen year old I would be ready for the other two………….WRONG!

This is my baby. My second child. My voilin playing, honor roll student, fashion savy diva, music lovin middle baby. I just can’t take it. I’m already having problems with young punks thinking I’m my oldest daughter’s sister. Imagine rollin through the mall in a couple of years when all three have fully matured? I guess I’ll just have to get three pistals and have each of the girl’s names engraved on the handle and what ever punk comes callin, I’ll politely ask who the hell he came to see and what ever name he gives……….that’s the damn gun he’s going to get his ass capped with.

With all of the problems our young girls are having now, teenage pregancy, STDs, peer pressure, etc., it’s so important that we teach them all that we can before any problems come into play. Our daughters are sacred and we should handle them as such. But at eight years old? Now I sit here pondering how I’m going to introduce the “talk”…… SHIT! I guess I’ll do what I did with the oldest and start off gradually, nothing too abrupt…………the child is eight years old. I guess I’ll discuss the basics of how her body is changing……….DAMN, she’s only eight fucking years old. Is it something in the water? In the food?……WHAT?

And to think I have to go through this again with the youngest girl. By then I guess I’ll just committ myself into an asylum. That one’s gonna hit hard. TRUST! You think I’m panicking now…………you have no idea.

I have to say though, since they are growing and maturing into their own personalities, I can’t help but wonder what they’ll be like in six years. The baby will be thirteen, the middle will be fourteen, and *sigh* the oldest will be eighteen. Lord Have Mercy.

After counseling young girls, you would think that I could be able to handle the growth of my own. This is the time I wished I had my mother back, may she rest in peace cause damn if I don’t need some help on this one.

I need a Heineken……….or two……….or three………or…..you get the picture!

Did I mention the child is only eight?

I’m just gettin too old for this shit!

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The two youngest members of the Glam Squad are in their primary marching band. To see these little kids strut their stuff is amazing, they start from grades two to three. They get invited to college home comings like Claflin and S.C. State. When I say these kids are serious about being in this band…..I mean it! Anyway, I’m tired as holy hell, and my shift starts all over again in the morning. The middle member of the Glam Squad starts her first day of violin lessons!

A mother’s work is NEVER done!

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My little Divas Dorian & Khouri, I had to dress them at work

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My little Khouri

Anderson Primary Marching Band doing what they do best

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Damn, I’m tired!!!!

I awoke with a sense of glee this morning. The beautiful sounds of birds singing. The sun so brightly shining. I feel as if I could conquer the world. The flowers are in bloom. They kneel as if to say "good morning"! Contemplating my day and how I will spend it. I feel like a queen, for today I will bask in the glory that is me.

Ahh to run in a field of beautiful sunflowers with not a care in the world. The words of the great Robert Frost echoing in my head. I feel free. Free from all that is small. The smile on my face embodies serenity. A sense of peace. Calm and still.

I think I’ll take the day off from work today. I feel entitled. Deserving of at least one day. A chance to introduce myself to myself……again. To get reaquainted. Today is my day.

Why is it that I’m in such a beautiful mood?

Why is it that today of all days brings me such joy?

Why? It’s simple really! For today is ……………………….

THE FIRST DAMN DAY OF SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!

Check the older two. You can see their utter disdain. The look on thier faces are priceless. They look as if they wanna tackle me and beat the living hell out of me. (with the execption of the little one)  But as it should be, I ALWAYS get the last freakin laugh!!!!! Ya littles butts are GOIN BACK TO SCHOOL!!!!

It really is a beautiful day in the neighborhood.

South Carolina is a place of beauty and has the most friendliest people you would ever want to meet. I guess I’m a little biast being that I was born and raised here. It’s rich in history both good and bad, but it’s home and I wouldn’t change the experiences that I’ve had here. Of course racism is STILL alive and well here and THAT I will not deny. I was encouraged to interact and befriend people of all walks of life and not discriminate against anyone who was different than me. (thank you momma & daddy). I was tought to not limit myself to just one perspective. I was exposed to different cultures, music, etc. which taught me to think with an open mind and not pass judgment on others. The agency I work for is predominatly black and the people we serve are predominatly black. Now we do have clients from different races that need assistance and we service them because that’s what we do, if your in need we’re there to help regardless of who you are. Well, when at work I’m in my "professional mode" meaning that my demenour is strictly business, that is until I get a call from the bigot from hell! People say I sound "white" on the phone (whatever, I LOVE Julia Sugarbaker) so when I get openly angry racial phone calls from white clients who has a complaint I can’t help but turn into my Julia Sugarbaker mode and have a damn ball! Here’s how the conversation went:

Me:________________, how may I help you?

Angry Bigot: I need to talk to somebody about the girl in your _____________office!

Me: The girl sir? Is there a problem that I can help you with?

Angry Bigot: Is you the director of this thang?

Me: Why no sir I’m not, she’s out of the office, but please explain your situation and maybe I can help.

Angry Bigot: You sound like you one of us so I can talk to you.

*Now it’s on and poppin*  I’m in full Julia Sugarbaker mode now.

Me in full Southern drawl: Of course I am, tell me what happened.

Angry Bigot: Those niggers (no he didn’t) told me that they didn’t have any funds up there and I know they do. They being racial (yes he did say racial) I need my light bill paid and them niggers sit up there all day and don’t do nothin. They ought to take all them coloreds(yes he did say colored) and fire all their asses. I’m callin the head office in _________ and lettin them know what they doin, I know you understand because you have to work round them. I bet you the only white girl there ain’t you?

He just don’t know!!!

Me being the sarcastic shit that I am: Sir, I fully understand what your saying.

Angry Bigot: I knowd you would, yous a smart girl.

Me again, being the sarcastic shit that I am in complete southern drawl: Yes sir, I understand all too well what you’re saying but what YOU fail to understand is that it wouldn’t be in your best interest to file a complaint because our entire conversation is being monitored and I don’t think it would be in your favor to make a complaint based on racism. Not only have you made derogatory remarks against the employees here but you also held an entire conversation with a BLACK WOMAN, which by the way makes you the racist. Gosh, how are you going to explain that when you call the head office?

*crickets chirping*

Angry now turned humble bigot: Well, ma’am (notice it’s ma’am now) I just needed my bill paid and I was just angry, I’m so sorry.

Me: Well, the next time you feel the need to turn into Super Natzi, especially when you are in need of help and we niggers are the only people that could assist you, I’d be very careful with my choice of words and with whom I’m speaking because you never know!!

End of Conversation

I don’t deal with racism like this often, but when I do, It’s the most comical thing you would ever want to see. Partly because I don’t take bigots seriously, so instead of flying off the handle I choose to utilize my sarcasm skills to the point where they feel like the complete idiots that they are. I also know that maybe I shouldn’t have led this man to believe that I was white, but hell, after all of his nasty comments I just couldn’t help my damn self, I’m intitled to some fun at his expense too ain’t I????

Why is that the middle member of the Jr. Glam Squad is eight years old and developing breast? Hell I’m 33 years old and I still have none! I had to do a double take this morning and liked to fell the hell out! Why do the girls now develop so fast? I guess I’ll have to load the guns for sure now. I thought about buying 3 pistals and have their names engraved on each one, so that when the first punk comes to my door with pants sagging, all I have to do is politely ask who they want to see and pick the right engraved pistal and start bustin caps! (He don’t know me very well, DO HE)

Who the hell is "T Pain"?

Why is the Glam Squad listening to Beyonce? I’m sorry……..Beyaki

Who the hell is "Lil Mo"?

Why the hell am I even thinking about these people?

It’s time for Brook Forrester from the Bold and the Beautiful to officially open up her new clothing line………BROTHELS "R" US!

Why did I go into the office this morining completly forgetting that today is my day off? My boss reminded me and I left with the quickness.

Why is the smallest member of the Jr. Glam Squad looking at me like she can decipher my most inner secrets? Ohhhh Shit!!!!!

Why can’t I have a mommy free day…..JUST ONE! work doesn’t matter I still feel as though I’m around children, IDIOTS.

Why does my boss sound like some cartoon character?

Why am I transfixed on red headed white men? Can’t explain it, I think there hot!

Why are the two younger members of the Jr. Glam Squad askin for an ass whippin by jumping on my damn living room chairs, and don’t know I’m looking dead at them while I type?

Just wondering…..Just pondering!

Work is really kicking my ass right about now! Every summer we have a youth training program , we put six low-income high school students to work with different agencies and businesses in the area, while we pay them to work. Well, I’m left to run the program on my own now because my supervisor is on medical leave due to eye problems. The kids begin work ethics training next week, and after that they begin work on the sites I’ve chosen for them. I have to say that I am proud of myself for puting this whole program together on my own. I guess the biggest stresser right now is hoping that everything goes well. My director is really cool about the way things are being handled and has even complemented me on what I’ve done so far. I know I should’nt stress about this but it’s a chance for me to show my director what I have to offer when constructing such a important program. Wish me luck!!!

I’ve been thinking a lot about my mom lately. God I miss her!!!!! I was in the grocery store this afternoon and I saw this girl, she was about 16 or 17, her mom told her to do something and the girl told her mom that "she will do whatever whenever"!! Y’all I swear, It felt like fifty demons went through me! I just stood there while the mother just laughed it off (WHAT THE FUCK)!!

All I know, if that was one of my daughters, their asses would have been on the floor before they could even get the first sound out! All I could think of (other than beating the shit out of her)was how lucky she was to still have her mother. I would give anything just to touch my mother one more time.

Little heffa better recognize before it’s too late.

Oh, did I mention how much i wanted to beat this girl’s ass?

Well, my month long break from school is ova beginning on Tuesday. I had to take a break last month because the classes that the school was offering, I had already taken and they were transfered from the other college I attended. I’m not complaining though, going to college has always been a dream of mine and so at the age of 33 im half way there. I’m anticipating on graduating by December. My major is Business Administration with a concetration in Management. Before my mother died, I promised her that I would go to college and get a degree. Eventhough she’s no longer here, I know she would be proud of me, and my dad will finally see his baby girl walk across that stage to get her degree. After that, I will get my Masters…..(Go me)!

The one person that encouraged me to do this in the first place is my best friend. She’s one of the most intelligent people that I know. She has a Masters in Education and is a great teacher. I’m so glad to have her as a friend.

It’s hard going to school, married, and have children at the same time……..but once I receive that degree, it will all be worth the blood, sweat, and tears. Just goes to show that your never too old to learn (not that 33 is old, but you know what I mean). I want to show my little girls that they can do anything that they set their minds to and that college is NOT an option…..either you go, or you got to get the hell up out of here!!! One or the other!!!!

I try to tell my young female clients that they should go back to school, whether it’s to get their high school diploma or GED or even a degree in something, but it goes in one ear and out the other. Oh well, the choice is theirs.

Going back to school, married, and raising children is hard, but the rewards are great!!!!

This woman’s work is never done!!!!

LOVE AND A QUESTION

A stranger came to the door at eve,

And spoke the bridegroom fair.

He bore a green-white stick in his hand,

And, for all burden, care.

He asked with the eyes more than the lips

For a shelter for the night,

And he turned and looked at the road afar

Without a window light.

The bridegroom came forth into the porch

With, "Let us look at the sky,

And question what of the night to be,

Stranger, you and I."

The woodbine leaves littered the yard,

The woodbine berries were blue,

Autumn, yes, winter was in the wind;

"Stranger, I wish I knew."

Within, the bride in the dusk alone

Bent over the open fire,

Her face rose-red with the glowing coal

And the thought of the heart’s desire.

Yet saw but her within,

And wished her heart in a case of gold

And pinned with a silver pin.

The bridegromm thought it little to give

A dole of bread, a purse,

A heartfelt prayer for the poor of God,

Or for the rich a curse;

But whether or not a man was asked

To mar the love of two

By harboring woe in the bridal house,

The bridegroom wished he knew.

*This poem is from a collection of Robert Frost poems, who by the way is my FAVORITE poet….LOVES me some Robert Frost*