Remember when life was simple? When your children actually worshiped the ground you walked on? That look of longing in their eyes when they saw you walk into a room?
Remember that?
You were the end all to be all. The God of all Gods. YOU WERE THE SHIT!!!!
You were:
SUPER MOM DAMMIT!!!!
You had your shit on lock down. Nobody couldn’t tell you NOTHING!
Fast forward 12 years later and…………this happens:
Pre pubescent teenage angst starts to rear it’s ugly head! You get the rolling of the eyes; the seclusion; slamming of doors; stomping; and talking back.
Well my fellow sisters of Kingdom Mommydum…..I’m there. Princess Morgan has been jacked up a total of three times this month. I don’t know where it’s coming from or who, but this chick is testing me and testing me hard.
A couple of weeks ago after coming home from a long day, the girls got themselves situated and started on their homework. I decided that I would start on some laundry. I went to Morgan’s room (door locked *blank strare*)
Me: Morgan, open the door. I need your clothes from your hamper.
Morgan: I’m getting dressed.
*blank stare*
Me: I’ll give you ten minutes.
Morgan: Ok
Fastforward ten minutes later
Me: Morgan. Open the door!
Morgan: I’m dressin!!! (had the audacity to have a “tone”)
Neck cocked to the side with a *blank stare*
Now, I’m debating on whether I should knock the goddamn door down and swoop on her ass like a hawk or just sit there and be calm.
I chose to be calm, I am NOT cute in orange and I DON’T want to end up being Franquisha’s bitch for 5 to 10 years!
The door opens and I calmly walked in and got what I needed. I forgot something and turned around to check her closet for any missed clothing.
Morgan: What you doin in my closet?
Ok, now, I promised with the strength of Jesus and everything that was in me……..It was ON! I jacked her ass up against the wall and conveniently reminded her (in my Julia Sugarbaker tone) that:
1) She’s only a TEMPORARY resident in my house.
2)Her little ass don’t pay nor does she contribute to my mortgage payment. Hence, exercising her “tenants” rights to lock her door whenever she wants has been terminated.
3)No punishment. Talking back calls for a trip to the woodshed…….Southern style!
Later that night we had “the talk” again. I gave her the reasons why I had to handle her the way I did and that I was not going to tolerate being talked back to or disrespected in my house. I think she got the point. If she didn’t there will be more jacksups to come!
I’m not built for this shit! Just think, I have 2 more girls!! DAYUM!
How to piss your 12 year old daughter off for the hell of it:
1) When pulling into the school parking lot, make sure you have either Nirvana’s Smells Like Teen Spirit or Pearl Jam’s Jeremy strategically placed in the cd player (this is very important). When she gets her things together, say your I love yous and as soon as she hits the pavement where her friends are waiting…………..TURN UP THE VOLUME and just sit there and wave and say “Hey Morgan, is this the song you said you like?!!!!!!!
*This will cause adults to give you the **blank stare** but who gives a fuck, hell you’re having fun at your daughters expense……………RIGHT?
2) When she’s on the phone with her little girlfriends, go to another phone, pick it up and say….”Morgan, I thought it was your turn to take the slop to the hogs today, you know we have to fatten him up a little before we take him to the slaughter before Christmas………you know you love bbq, so you better get to it”!
**It’s a Southern thing folks**
3) When she’s having friends over, make sure that’s the day you do laundry. After everything is dried, start folding HER clothes first. Casually pick up a pair of her underwear and enter her room and hold them up in front of her and the “girls” and say………”Morgan, are these draws yours or mine”?
**You maybe called every bitch in the book (long as you don’t hear it being said) but the look on her face would be ever so priceless**
4) Waite until she is good and sleep (best done around 1 in the morning). Get out your digital camera out and take a picture of her sleep (make sure it’s when her mouth is wide open and just a hint of slobber) When done, print the picture and tape it to the back of your truck so that when you drop her off at school, she has to go to the back and get her bookbag.
Morgan: “Momma why you do that”?
Me: “Do what Baby”?
**Yeah, she wants to cut my ass! All I have to say is…………..BRING IT ON!!**
5) Visit her at school at a time when you know she’ll be having lunch with the “girls” soon. Casually walk over to her table and say….”Morgan, you still want me to stop by the house and bring you some of them Chittlens and rice you wanted”?
Morgan: “MOMMA”???!!!!!
Me: “What Baby, I thought you liked chittlens and rice”? “You told me you wanted to have some for lunch today”
6) This is important parents. Make sure that you invest in a good Halloween mask (this is a must). Before your little darling is finished with her shower/bath sneak into her room (mask on), get under her bed or hide in her closet, when she enters the room (be sure that you give her some time) jump from under the bed or out of the closet and scare the living day lights out of her.
Morgan: “Dang Momma, Why you can’t act like the other mommas”?
Me (laughing my ass off): “Because, I’m a special mommy”
Morgan: “Yeah, “SPECIAL”!!
7) Late at night when she’s asleep, get one of her old dollies, take the head off and hang it on her ceiling fan just enough to reach her face. (leave it there until the next morning) When morning comes make sure that everything is in place, gently kiss her on the cheek and say…”Morgan it’s time to get up”. Then run like a bat out of west hell before she can comprehend what’s about to happen.
Morgan: MOMMA…………STOPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!! I CAN’T STAND YOU!!!
I can’t respond because I’m laughing just tooo damn hard!
8) When in public my Morgan likes to walk apart from me and the other members or the Glam Squad. When she does this:
Me: “Morgan come on Sweetheart, there’s a sell on “ALWAYS” I think you need some don’t you”?
**My Baby then comes runnin like a champ**
Morgan: “Why you do stuff like that”?
Me: “Do what Baby”?
Morgan: “You know”!!!!!
9) Me: Morgan
Morgan: Ma’am
Me: Morgan
Morgan: Ma’am
Me: Morgan
Morgan: MA’AM!!!!!
Me: “Nothing Baby, I just wanted to see if you were in the house”!
Morgan: Momma! I’m sittin right next to you!!!!
10) 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night:
Me: Morgan, Baby it’s time to get up and get dressed for school.
Morgan: OK
*By this time she’s up headed to get dressed…..until she notices that something aint right*
Morgan: Why Dorian and Khouri not gettin up?
Me: Oh, Baby….my bad! It’s the weekend, Mommy thought it was Monday!
Me: I Love You!!!
Morgan: Momma, you so embarrassing. Was I adopted?
Me: No, but we did find you at Wal-Mart and just couldn’t resist.
I guess this won’t qualify me for the Mother Of the Year Award will it?
**Sigh** Ok, so I had some down time from the the Glam Squad, the threesome literally had me going in circles the past two weeks. I was surfing the net and decided that I would check out myspace just to see if there were any people that I knew on it. I found some old class mates and friends I haven’t heard from in years, even some family members which was cool. So, being the nosey parent that I am I typed my oldest daughter’s name just to know whether or not I had to beat some serious ass tonight. (She was lucky)! My husband and I keep his sister’s two kids every summer from Atlanta. When they were here this summer, I remember both my daughter and my niece on the computer………… a lot! So I typed in my niece’s name and what do you know……………..this twelve year old child has a myspace page! It felt like fifty demons went through my body. I couldn’t believe the mess that was on her page. What the hell does a twelve year old know about niggas, etc.? Another thing I want to know is why does her profile says that she’s fifteen? Don’t even get me started on that nasty ass pose she had goin on! WHERE THE HELL IS THIS CHILD’S MOMMA!!!!!! Me being me had to regulate, not giving a damn whose daughter she is. I thought I would give her a call (she has a cell phone mind you) we talked for awhile and I went in for the kill:
Me: You like myspace huh?
Niece: huhh?
Me: Myspace.
Niece: My friends are on myspace but I’m not.
Me: You’re not?
Niece: No ma’am.
**With every no ma’am I’m getting hotter and hotter**
Me: Just for the record, I found your little ass on myspace.
*Crickets chirping*
Me: When did you turn fifteen?
*Damn crickets still chirping*
Me: Helloooooo?
Niece: Ma’am
This little heffa thinks I’m playing with her! I explained to her that there were people who seek out young girls on places like myspace and that it wasn’t safe, especially when you give out misleading information on your profile. After my speech I told her that if her myspace page wasn’t down by the time I get to Atlanta the following weekend for her birthday, I was going to whip ass from here to eternity!
Needless to say, she shut it down a couple of hours after our coversation. Oh, and I am aware that she may start another page on Bebo or face book, all I have to say is you can run but you can’t hide……..PERIOD!!!!
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I’m in the grocery store minding my own business, I get to the check out counter with debit card in hand. Giving the “evil eye” to the middle member of the Glam Squad for something, I can’t remember. I turned back and focused my attention to the cashier (middle aged white woman) and she was giving me this nasty look:
Me: I’m sorry ma’am how much did you say?
Cashier: $102.86.
Cashier: Put yer EBT code in!
Ummmmm*Blank Stare*
Me lookin like a deer caught in headlights: I’m sorry?
Cashier: Put yer EBT code in, you know yer code?
Mind you this bitch is talking to me like this with the Glam Squad in tow………..BIG MISTAKE!
Me: Um, let me explain something to you, what’s on your name tag………oh, Kelly. First of all Kelly, not ALL black people carry an EBT card! As a matter of fact not all black people steal or live in public housing. We’re not all lazy and DO TRUST ME when I say that not all of us are intimidated by the likes of YOU! Oh, and by the way,I work at _______________________, which is a state job, if you’re looking for something better, I case manage low-income people with finding employment and education along with business etiquette. When you’re ready……………give me a call!
Oh, and this will be a debit purchase…………with my VISA card!
By the time I was finished with my Julia Sugarbaker speech, the look on Kelly’s face was priceless!
The two youngest members of the Glam Squad are in their primary marching band. To see these little kids strut their stuff is amazing, they start from grades two to three. They get invited to college home comings like Claflin and S.C. State. When I say these kids are serious about being in this band…..I mean it! Anyway, I’m tired as holy hell, and my shift starts all over again in the morning. The middle member of the Glam Squad starts her first day of violin lessons!
A mother’s work is NEVER done!
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My little Divas Dorian & Khouri, I had to dress them at work
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My little Khouri
Anderson Primary Marching Band doing what they do best
I awoke with a sense of glee this morning. The beautiful sounds of birds singing. The sun so brightly shining. I feel as if I could conquer the world. The flowers are in bloom. They kneel as if to say "good morning"! Contemplating my day and how I will spend it. I feel like a queen, for today I will bask in the glory that is me.
Ahh to run in a field of beautiful sunflowers with not a care in the world. The words of the great Robert Frost echoing in my head. I feel free. Free from all that is small. The smile on my face embodies serenity. A sense of peace. Calm and still.
I think I’ll take the day off from work today. I feel entitled. Deserving of at least one day. A chance to introduce myself to myself……again. To get reaquainted. Today is my day.
Why is it that I’m in such a beautiful mood?
Why is it that today of all days brings me such joy?
Why? It’s simple really! For today is ……………………….
THE FIRST DAMN DAY OF SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!
Check the older two. You can see their utter disdain. The look on thier faces are priceless. They look as if they wanna tackle me and beat the living hell out of me. (with the execption of the little one) But as it should be, I ALWAYS get the last freakin laugh!!!!! Ya littles butts are GOIN BACK TO SCHOOL!!!!
Wouldn’t it be cool to be a super hero in the workplace? I often think of off the wall stuff like this from time to time. I would be "Office Avenger" avenger of all that is stupid and fake in the world. I would rid the workplace of the evil likes of :
"Sista Lula Mae", you know the sista that always carries the Bible with her everywhere she goes. Always telling you that if you live by the word of the good book, you’ll get to the Pearly Gates faster. (all this while the married deacon is waiting in the parking lot to take the bitch to lunch) "Pearly Gates" my ass!
"Co-Hoe", Co-Hoe comes in many disquises. You know the type, this bitch will sleep, suck, or ass kiss any and everything to climb that corporate ladder. Co-Hoe can transform herself with a blink of an eye. She knows her prey! She assumes the position until she’s ready to pounce. Co-Hoe can be somewhat clueless at times, thus bringing much entertainment at her expense. (meaning public displays of monthly ass whippins by other co-worker’s wives or the fact that every co-worker she has slept with in the office all get together and talk shit about her) Being Co-Hoe can be a grueling task.
"Proverbial Backstabber", she comes off as the sweet innocent fresh faced girl who always says the right things. She usually keeps to herself. Her evil ploy is to befriend anyone who gets in the way of her goals of being the "office superstar". Once she’s befriended her prey to the point where they reveal every bit of information pertaining to a new office project, she begins to pitch ideas to the boss that are not only ideas stolen from the poor sap she’s befriended but takes all recognition of bringing the project to light.
"Ms. Rosa Lee", we all know Ms. Rosa Lee, she’s the ole girl who has been with the company for over 30 years. Her plot of evil is to NEVER RETIRE! Suffering from cataracts, you can’t see shit anyway, so give someone a chance to bring fresh new ideas to the company instead of "hanging in there" for another 4 months until you do retire. I’m sure some of the other co-workers could help you "hang" in there alright. TAKE YOUR ASS HOME!!!!!!!!
"The Know It All", everyone knows Ms. Rhonetha, her evil and somewhat annoying ploy is to have knowledge of every topic in the free world. She vex her way into conversations and completely takes over. Ms. Rhonetha is like the plague to other co-workers, and must be demolished.
"The Hypochondriac", every office has one of these. This is the person who always has an ailment of some sorts. If it’s not her damn neck, it’s her foot, leg, or toe. When she first enters the office, everyone knows not to ask her how she’s doing in fear of getting a full diagnostic report. The sympathy and special treatment that she receives is the source of her strength. To stop this evil is to truly give this heffa something to complain about………. I’m just sayin!!!!!!
As "Office Avenger", it is my duty to protect all of the honest, hardworking, and decent employees who actually come to work everday to get the job done, to shield them from the evil that lies within.
I am………"Office Avenger"
*The names in this post are NOT related to the co-workers I know……. well, not really but close enough! I’m sure that everyone has similar evils in the workplace if you do, what are they and how do you handle it?
The weirdest thing just happened to me. The Glam Squad had choir practice this afternoon, so I’m sitting here in the house checking out some blogs, when this little guy (he’s about 16 or 17) came to the door and asked if he could use my phone to call his grandmother..he’s also on the church choir. Me being used to young teens through the work that I do said that it would be ok……Well, he called his grandmother, thanked me and left……….then he came back to the door and asked if he could use the phone again. Of course I said "sure". When he got off of the phone for the second time, he just stood there blushing (at this point I knew something was on his mind, so I asked him if he was ok and he started blusing all over again.
Youngun: Can I ask you a question?
Me: What is it?
Youngun: I’m scared, you might tell Mr. C!
Me: Boy, what do you need?
Youngun: Will you keep it between me and you?
Me: You better not be asking me anything about my damn daughter, she’s only 11……and I’ll have to CUT YOU!
Youngun: No mame, I’m scared.
Me: Aw hell, ok…….see ya lata!
He just stood there…..
Youngun: You’ll keep this between me and you?
Me: *ahuhhhh*
Youngun leaned into my ear and said………I LIKE YOU!
Me: What the Fuck!!!!! Boy, if you don’t get your ass out of my house I’ll cut you from your roota to yo little toota! Your ass is still recovering from similac withdrawl!
Youngun just walked out of the house and said nothing. I know that I was a little too rough but the way he just stood there kind of made me uneasy. I’ve been hearing stories lately about guys around his age coming into people’s houses and either robbing them or worst. Ya’ll don’t say that he didn’t know any better because the little wannabe "G" is old enough to know!!!!!!!
But I do know that he won’t be coming back here no time soon…..and No I did not mention it to the hubby because that Nigga is CRAZY!!! It doesn’t matter what age he is, if I did tell him he would have gone an fucked him up, child or not…..so this is between both me and God! (for the kid’s sake)!
